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I’ll be 41 next month. All my life I never pictured myself as a mom, I never wanted “normal” life and I often asked myself if I’ll ever wish to have a normal life. By normal life I mean cooking, having a baby, watching TV. Just normal stuff that people do. It was never me.
I was the one laughing at housewives and wondering how can women live like that? It was like another planet to me, and the inhabitants were aliens in human form.
I was the one overly ambitious, living to work, always hungry for books and knowledge, the one that wanted to create something on my own. I was the one that wanted to stand on my own, so independent and proud.
And then when I turned forty it hit me. And it hit me hard. No warnings.
Suddenly I found myself wanting to prepare a meal for someone. I would stop for a moment, so astound at myself. Where did these feelings come from? Why now when I feel almost too old to have a baby or have a normal family life?
I guess God has truly humbled me. I’m a late believer also, finding God at the age of 36. His ways, of course, are good, and what He created I should have respected – as the family unit. But I never was a believer and family always seemed like so much work and working (or being) with people is something I always kept away from.
I was SO wrong. So, so, so wrong.
So what now? Is it too late? Why this wish for having a baby then?
I am secretly hoping that maybe I wasn’t ready earlier psychologically. But can I endure this pregnancy physically now? We know having a baby is not easy, and this is so true when you are older as you have less and less energy.
Why Didn’t I Have A Baby Earlier?
This was my plan at some point in my life, when I was 32 or 33. I’d buy an apartment and have a baby on my own. But as I said I did not truly feel like having a baby.
This question is probably a question that every mom to be after 40 asks herself. Even some doctors will say it to your face! I had a friend at 46 who was making pre-baby medical exams and just imagine what the doctor said to her: what did you do all your life to come to this point. In my opinion, that was extremely rude and I believe it left a scar on her soul.
Now looking back it makes me sick to my stomach: why didn’t I follow through with my plan? I had a healthier body and so much more energy. Oh, the energy! It makes me cry when I think of all the places I’ve wasted all my energy, like climbing mountains (which I think is good but not if you haven’t settled your life yet).
I regret it now.
But I do believe that I was not ready. I did not come to a point when I wanted a baby so badly that I would give up my single life and all the comfort that goes with it. I also think I needed to heal. I come from a dysfunctional family which I finally left at age of 35 when I finally had the money to get my own apartment. it took my 5 years to “decompress” so to speak. Yes, but it may be a bit too late.
The Health Scare
Of course, with any late pregnancy comes the inevitable question if your body is still capable of carrying a healthy child and delivering it to this world. I KNOW there are no guarantees here, it’s a destiny thing. I don’t want to even think about it but there are even young moms having things go wrong with their pregnancy.
Now not to dare the devil I will keep this part as short as possible. I don’t want any negativity, not even thinking about anything bad.
Knowing that it is out of my control (except eating right and taking good care of myself) it still doesn’t stop me from having a sudden shake in the middle of the night. Things do seem easier in the morning and on daylight. I even feel excited!
But I Am Single
Yes, I think if God would approve me having a baby artificially made. I know it is not the way that it was created. I know we are all sinners but will I be making a counscous sin by having a baby on my own?
And there is always the money issue. I have a good job and I make good money but there is always that but what if? It is easier when you have someone to share your life with, the good and the bad things that might happen. I am sure there will be moments when I will wish I had support in the form of a life partner.
But I still have my family. Not the best one but they are still my people and will not deny me help. And there is my sister, currently we are not talking, but I am sure this will change if I have a baby. So there is some form of support for me.
But even if you are alone. You can hire someone still. Just in that case, the money will have to be a strong point in your life.
Am I Right To Bring A Child To This Fallen World?
This world has NOT been a joyful place to live in for me. I’ve had my moments of course but mostly it’s been suffering. It kind of breaks my heart to think that such a gentle creature as babies and children are will have to learn its cruel ways. It’s a world full of traps and there are so many ways that a human heart and soul can be broken in it. It is a hard place to endure and you never know if it will stand the test and endure to the end.
The most horrifying thought is that my baby will lose its faith and not obey God. It means an eternity of suffering. Yes, I’d rather not bring it to this world if I would know that it will happen. The thing is I don’t know.
But it’s a risk and no mother wants to see her child suffer. This is truly a salute to all the mothers who were so brave to bring a child to this world, going through pregnancy, giving birth (which can be compared to a true operation, many doing it multiple times), always fearing for their child in this world, and having their heart living outside their bodies after they’ve given birth. I’m hoping I’ll part of that army soon. God Bless!